Stalkerholm Syndrome
by little furry cannibals
Summary: The DSM-V defines the condition as: Females who have been caught in the enthrallment and dazzlement of laughable monsters. In other words, Bella Swan is completely messed in the head. Not really, people. This is a retelling of Twilight, condensed, minus the boring stuff and wholly crack-licious. Like a Tootsie-Pop, it takes awhile to get to the wolfy center goodness.


A/N: Random PSA: The West African Black Rhinoceros was declared extinct in November of 2011. If you see a rhino poacher, feel free to run their sorry ass over. Repeatedly. May they all be cursed with incurable pubic lice.

A gift for author, goldengirl2707.

**Warning! Graphic crack-fic scenarios aplenty. This is a tale for amusement only. If you are seeking a soul searching, moving piece of literature, turn back now. :D**

* * *

_Dear Diary: It's raining. Again. Forecasted color today: Gray. _

Sighing, Bella Swan closed her diary, shoved it under the mattress and hurried to leave for her first day of school. She had no idea what the heck she was thinking when she said goodbye to her mom in Phoenix, Arizona and flew away to live in the dreary and depressing town of Forks, Washington. Sure, she loved Charlie -her loving, slightly neurotic, father—but why hadn't she just agreed to visit him during the summer, when it was somewhat warm and she still had the prospect of school starting up back in Arizona where she could return to?

Ah, but then she'd be subjected to her mother's flighty and crazy ideas. No, it was better to live with Charlie, the quiet, all powerful police chief of Forks, Washington.

Sighing once again, Bella climbed in to her rusty truck to head to the Forks High School on her first day of being a junior. She didn't know any of the kids and resigned herself to remaining just as anonymous as she had been in Phoenix, minus the pleasure of seeing the sun once in awhile.

The school parking was small. In fact, Bella wondered if she had maybe parked in the teacher's lot. If it weren't for the fifteen or so students milling about, she would have driven out and around the school in search of other arrangements.

She was able to find the registration/principal's office the minute she walked through a single door. The small room also included the nurse's office, the janitor's closet and what appeared to be a break hallway –a narrow corridor with several chairs and a long table smashed against a 1960's Coca-Cola vending machine.

Bella managed to twister/limbo her way through introductions and obtaining her schedule before she stumbled to her first class. Each class was the same: students stared, teachers looked bored and she maintained her stunning, sunburn-appearing blushing through it all until lunch, when one of the crowds zeroed in on her.

"Isabella, hi, I'm Jessica. Jessica Stanley. What do you think of Forks?" The valley girl teen quizzed Bella, making her shrink away uncomfortably.

"Uh, it's fine," Bella stuttered, trying not to gasp when Jessica linked her arm through hers and steered Bella to an empty table in the lunch room.

"That won't last," Jessica chuckled seriously as she dropped her books on the table and then forcibly took Bella's to do the same. "By the end of the week, you'll be soooo bored. Like, nothing ever happens here in boring Forks." Grabbing Bella's arm, she dragged the startled girl towards the lunch line, completely oblivious to the fact that Bella had brought hers.

"We've heard everything there is to know about," Jessica continued to ramble, chomping on a piece of gum like a cow chewed cud. "Ugh, I don't know how the school board expects us to eat that slop," she complained, pointing to the meatloaf surprise.

Bella had to secretly agree, more than grateful for having made her own hummus sandwich.

"Any who," Jessica continued to talk, "like I was saying, Chief Swan told Ms Cope who told Mrs. Newton who told Lisa Mallory that like, your mom wanted to travel around the world and that she forced you to leave New Mexico to come live here and that you had to leave your boyfriend of six years. That must have been sooo hard, right?"

"I, umm, actually I lived in Arizona and my mom didn't make me leave; I volunteered so she could have more time with her new husband," Bella explained amidst her spinning head. What the heck was this Jessica talking about, that Bella had left a boyfriend behind?

"Was he hot? Mrs. Mallory mentioned that he was an Arab prince or something. Did he buy you nice clothes and stuff and then take it all back when you had to leave?" Jessica eyed Bella's clothing critically. _What an asshole, not to have even left her one good thing to wear even if it was in dreary Forks._

Bella tried not to shrink further under the scrutiny. "I think someone was confused. I didn't have a boyfriend, although I was sad to have to leave my friend, Mohammed. He wasn't Arabic; he was just the boy I paired up with for math competitions and stuff. He was really nice."

Mohammed had been a godsend for Bella, no pun intended. He was equally shy and claustrophobic around large groups of people and popularity. They spent most of their time together trying to differentiate ellipse equations. How the heck did Jessica think that meant he was Bella's boyfriend?

"You can tell me, you know?" Jessica whispered as she continued to drag Bella over to the now partially filled lunch table. She totally knew Bella was just trying to cover up her secret fling with a Prince! "Is he coming back to get you once you graduate or something? Like, so your dad can't stop him or anything since he's Police Chief and all?"

"No," Bella said slowly, wondering if this Jessica was mentally challenged. "Mohammed doesn't like to fly, so unless I go back to Arizona-"

Bella was abruptly cut off as Jessica squealed loud enough for most to the cafeteria to stare at them. "That is soooo romantic! So he's going to arrive on a yacht to whisk you away back to the Middle East? Will you guys get married here or at sea? Ohhh, I bet he has to wait until you get back to his palace and then get married before all of his people like Prince William and Kate did? Will it be televised?" Slapping a hand suddenly against her forehead, Jessica groaned. "Oh my gawd, it won't be televised, huh? Cause you'll have to wear like drapes and stuff over your head. Oh, Bella, I am so sorry."

Having no idea how to get out of this ridiculous conversation, Bella patted Jessica's hand comfortingly. "I'm sure something will work out," she offered to the distressed girl.

Jessica quickly stopped sniffling and brightened up considerably. "Yes, we will. We'll give you a makeover and change your looks; that silly prince won't even recognize you when he comes searching out his runaway bride. I'm just relieved your mom forced you to move here and didn't let his family convince her to sell you."

Trying not to cringe at the exuberance Jessica used as she went on to discuss all the beauty techniques they could use to change Bella, she sat back to watch as a group of five kids glided into the cafeteria to take a seat at the last empty table set apart from most of the others. Their movements had been so graceful Bella had to lean down and check to make sure there hadn't been a hidden moving sidewalk. They had really, truly, glided. It would have been less disturbing if they weren't so flawless and classically beautiful in their appearances.

"Who's that?" Bella whispered to the gossip queen, Jessica Stanley. She was pointing to the good looking guy who was pinching the bridge of his nose, but Jessica took the question to mean everyone at the guy's table.

Flipping her hair back so that she could blow like the biggest bubble ever, Jessica sighed impatiently at being interrupted from her color explanation. There were major differences between sky blue and azure.

"Those are Cullens. Don't even bother. Unless you're like, adopted by the good doctor, they don't pay any attention to anyone but their siblings," Jessica explained, changing gears to lay out the dirt on the cocky Cullens. If an Arabian prince had been interested in Bella Swan then the Cullens would probably be attracted to her also. It was Jessica's duty to protect the new girl from that!

Pointing to what most of the school considered the eldest Cullen, Jessica began to explain the odd family structure. "The big one is Emmett. We could like totally make state final football status if he'd play, but he told the coach he hurt his knee at his last school. Then a week later, Eric and Tyler saw him lifting the back end of his girlfriend's car, which, DUH! Even I know that if you've hurt your knee, you can't lift like a million pound car or something."

Jessica thought Emmett was actually kind of cute and had a very nice body. If she wasn't deathly afraid of the girl clinging to his side, she totally would've asked him out to the movies.

"Next we have his girlfriend, Rosalie Hale. She's pretty and shit in a classic, common blonde, type of way, but she thinks she's a supermodel. I bet she could make Naomi Campbell cry if she wanted to. She glares at everyone and like the rest of her family, she like won't even acknowledge us. As far as Rosalie Hale is concerned, all of Fork's population is less than cockroaches."

On a roll now, Jessica felt the surge of excitement she usually did while explaining the hows and whys of Fork's teen scene,

"Then there's Jasper Hale, Rosalie's real brother. They were both adopted, but apparently Esme, the mom, is related to them. He's really weird, always walking around and muttering about strategies. Lauren Mallory swears she heard him talking to himself, but that he acted like there was someone standing right next to him and that he called his invisible friend "General Lee."

Staring transfixed at the family sitting in the corner, Bella spoke without realizing she was talking out loud. "As in General Robert E. Lee?"

"Like, oh my god. How do you know about cars?" Jessica huffed, slightly impressed. "Are you like one of those Popular Mechanic's biker chick types? Cause that could really help your reputation, although, we'd have to do a different type of makeover. Not the leather and chains thing; that's too trashy for an almost princess."

"Cars?" Bella asked, pulling her stare away from the cafeteria corner, her eyebrows bunching together.

"Yeah the General Lee was the name of the Duke's of Hazzard car. I only know cause Mike and Tyler talked about it like a bigilleon times when the movie came out." Removing the gum from her mouth and taking a dainty bite of her salad, Jessica thought back to the group date at a nearby ninety-nine cent theater. The place played older movies and it was a dive to begin with, but all the teens hung out there because it was cheap.

One of the Cullens shifted, bringing Jessica back to the present and she quickly put her gum in her mouth. "Then there's Alice. She's really weird and wears these trippy looking clothes. I mean, just look at her: Black spiky hair; stonewashed jeans; pink leg warmers; a red cardigan; and yellow ballet slippers? Puhlease. I think her step dad, the good doctor, needs to up her Adderall. By the way, she's dating the weirdo, Jasper."

Both Jessica and Bella watched as Jasper the weirdo's lips stopped moving and the Adderall deficient teen's eyes rolled into the back of her head. Jasper held her around the waist as her body jerked several times before she collapsed back into her seat. Bella thought maybe they should go get the nurse or something, but Jessica's next sentence scared her.

"Oh my god…is he checking you out?" Jessica screeched loud enough for the entire cafeteria to become suddenly silent again.

Jerking her head away from the sight of Alice Cullen, Bella found herself staring at the last Cullen and him doing likewise. A pair of grapefruit colored eyes bore into her and Bella found herself blushing profusely.

"I knew it!" Jessica yelled to Bella as the cafeteria went back to eating. "That is Edward Cullen. He's like, everyone's fantasy guy, but he doesn't like girls. I mean, it's not like we know he's gay, or anything, but no guy can be that hot and not dating," she explained before dropping her voice to whisper at Bella only. "If you tell her I ever said this, I'll deny it, but Lauren told me she tried to ask him out several times and he said no, just like that. No explanation or being let down gently. He just said the one word and walked away. I told Lauren that maybe he was dating a college chick since he's so hot, but she didn't believe me. She thinks he's gay and if he starts to show interest in you, you better watch out."

Bella slumped back in her chair, completely shocked! Sure, the Edward guy was good looking, however, he'd never be interested in a girl like Bella Swan. The last thing she wanted was to be a part of some high school cat fight over imaginary claims on a guy. Her distress must have been obvious since Jessica suddenly grabbed her hand to give it a squeeze.

"It's okay, Bella. I'm only sometimes friends with Lauren, but I think you're much nicer than her. If she starts to get any ideas, I'll just tell her you're using Edward to make the prince jealous. If she thinks you plan on dumping the Cullen, she'll be a lot happier thinking she can stick around to pick up the pieces of his broken heart. It'll all work out." Popping another bubble, Jessica grinned before groaning as the end of lunch bell sounded and teens started to gather their stuff and head to class.

By the time Bella made it to her biology class, she was already five minutes late. Her teacher, Mr. Banner, stopped the class when she walked through the door, mumbling about the importance of punctuality before assigning her to a seat in the back of the class next to Mike Newton.

The teacher had turned back to the board, and Bella was paying more attention to her feet than anything else, so they were the only two people who missed it when Edward shot up from his own seat, leaped across the room, bodily removed Mike from his seat and then sat down, waiting for Isabella Swan to sit next to him.

When Bella finally looked up, she was confused as to how she had gotten lost walking down a classroom aisle. Mike Newton had been sitting in the fifth row back with an empty space next to him. Now he was in the last row sitting next to a boy Bella had yet to meet and the only open table in the classroom was Edward Cullen's. He was still glaring, frowning and had suddenly developed a weird kissy motion with his lips. It kind of looked like Mick Jagger sucking on a lemon.

"Here," Edward hissed, pushing the empty stool next to him out into the aisle. Carefully Bella placed her bag on the table and then sat down, having no intention of moving the chair closer to the other weird Cullen.

He never gave her the chance.

Once her butt was firmly seated, the chair was immediately yanked forward and sideways to sit in front of the lab table and very close to the teenager she had been eyeing earlier in the lunch room.

"I know you know who I am. Jessica's voice could be heard over a stampede of rhinoceros," he whispered seductively to Bella. "I am dangerous, though," he continued and yanked the stool closer, "and you need to stay away from me." yank "Do I make myself clear?" yank.

Bella was pretty sure the stools had started to meld together; there just wasn't any more room for them to be closer and yet Edward kept managing to make the distance grow smaller.

"Yes," she squeaked out, trying not to hyperventilate at the strange behavior of Edward Cullen. She also tried not to contemplate why the rest of the class just sat there doing nothing!

_What the heck was wrong with these people?_

An awkward rumble filled the space around them and for one minute, Bella was worried Edward Cullen had just farted! Daring to look back up at the strange man, it became apparent that his lips were vibrating and that he was…growling?

"Good," he said between the freakish rumbling. "Stay away and we'll be okay." Giving the stool one last yank next to him, Edward Cullen started to copy notes from the board, not bothering to look at Bella again for the rest of class.

_Oh my gosh_, Bella thought to herself as she took out a notebook. _Have I entered the Twilight Zone?_

* * *

Carlisle Cullen pulled up to the grand mansion in his sleek Mercedes, grabbing the mail and then muttering as he strolled inside. It was ridiculous, receiving junk mail about life insurance and retirement accounts considering he had had to wait until the last 'Carlisle Cullen' persona died, allowing him to collect the meager social security wages he had paid to the government back in 1947 through 1952 before disappearing off the grid. He had been thirty four back then, too, and it while it wouldn't have been completely illogical to have suddenly died, the good doctor needed to make sure no one would become suspicious over frequent and early deaths.

"Hello, dear," he greeted his wife, Esme, as entered the kitchen, trying not to wrinkle his nose at the onslaught of odorous sugar cookies. "Playing mom again, I see."

"Well, it was the first day of school. I keep hoping one of our children will bring home a play date I can feed," the statuesque matron figure replied, pulling out another pan from the oven.

"We do not need to get that close to them," Carlisle muttered, his eyes widening in shock over the piece of junk mail he was reading.

_A home mortgage rate of 5.25% with compound interest over thirty years…humans were really stupid!_

"I know, dear," Esme sighed wistfully as she threw the cookies into a tray. They would sit there for a few days before she threw them out and started the process all over. "Edward is waiting to speak with you in the music room."

Jerking away from the ad of buying meat in bulk, it was then that Carlisle realized one of his sons -the only one who could play musical instruments-was executing a rather dramatic pop culture piece.

"This should be interesting," Carlisle muttered to himself sarcastically as he approached the music room Edward insisted on having in every house. "Really, son, I thought you said you don't have a soul?" He asked from the doorway.

Edward didn't miss a beat, talking over the sounds echoing from the room. "I didn't think so either, but after today, I wonder if perhaps I was wrong."

"I never took you to like the nineties music scene; care to explain?" the doctor asked, motioning to Edward's hands that were belting out a low keyed version of 'Losing My Religion'. The music came to an abrupt halt.

"It was her! In all of my 107 years of existence I have never found someone who I thought I could be so drawn to." Swinging his legs over the piano bench, Edward's face radiated a happiness Carlisle had never seen before.

"I still don't understand. If someone has made you happy, why are you playing such an intense piece?" Carlisle inquired, Edwards shoulders suddenly hunching in defeat.

"Because I have two connections with her, Father," Edward said softly, making Carlisle nervous. _Edward rarely calls me 'Father',_ the Cullen patriarch thought, quickly cataloguing reasons as to why this would happen now.

Edward was too caught up in his own explanation to bother to read Carlisle's mind. "The first one is admiration and desire, but the second one…it's more powerful than those."

"Love?" He asked his eldest 'child' excitedly.

"Hunger."

"Oh," Carlisle whispered, expecting any emotion but that.

"Yes, Oh!" Edward repeated miserably. "How am I to spend time with my fair beauty if I want to drain her?"

Mulling over Edward's sudden mood change, Carlisle thought carefully before speaking. "Are you sure you really like her? Maybe you just need to go out and hunt for a week."

"I don't want to hunt anything except my Swan!" Edward yelled out, causing Carlisle's demeanor to change from peaceful to hesitancy.

"Okay, son, go hunt then," he agreed, hoping to get a better idea of what had happened at school from one of his other 'children'. "I always thought you preferred the bigger game, but if you need to eat a few swans, feel free."

"The only Swan I want to eat is Bella!" Vampires couldn't cry, but they sure as hell could pout if Edward's face were anything to judge on.

Carlisle spoke before he could think his thoughts. "Son…maybe we should talk. I realize you've been alone for awhile now, but it is apparent you're having some sort of psychological episode if you're naming your game."

"For god's sake, Carlisle! Get your mind out of human psychology mode and listen to what I'm saying," Edward demanded as he stood up to approach the family's leader. "Bella Swan is a girl I met today at school; she's Charlie Swan's daughter. The minute I entered the cafeteria today, her scent enveloped my senses, mind and body. I wanted to drag her away and lick every drop of blood from her body while holding her tenderly and lovingly to protect her from harm! Does that make any sense to you whatsoever?"

"A bit," Carlisle agreed, shocking Edward. "Predators rarely want to share their food source and as vampires, we have both the bottom end of the spectrum that covers basic survival instincts as well as a higher intelligence that can interfere with the lesser desires."

Bringing forth an image of a hunting trip long ago, Carlisle showed Edward when he had cornered a doe nursing her fawn. Nearby a wolf had scented the small family and was closing in for its meal. Darting away, Carlisle had killed the wolf quickly and then brought its carcass back to dine on while watching the deer. The sight of projected beauty and innocence the creatures had represented caused Carlisle to wait until her fawn had finished suckling and then snuggled against each other for warmth and comfort before his baser desire took over and he drained both deer.

"You think I was suppressing the urge to eat because I was admiring her innocent beauty?" Edward asked after pulling out of Carlisle's thoughts.

"It's one viable option," the patriarch nodded approvingly. "The other is that you're experiencing a romantic crush like most males do at some point in their life."

"It's not a romantic crush, Father Carlisle," Alice announced as she practiced ballet choreography into the music room. Her body came to a standstill as her feet continued to flutter against the wooden floors like a pair of hummingbird wings.

"I see," Carlisle said, hoping Alice wasn't planning on engaging in any leaps or jumps. Edward would kill her if she did that around his piano.

"I won't," Alice answered him at the same time Edward shouted, "Yes, I would."

"Hush, Edward. I come bearing gifts of the sight for you." Rotating repetitively, Alice began to hum, filling her mind of the vision she had concerning Edward and Bella.

It wasn't much, a vampire hand clasped around a smaller, human, female hand, but Edward could feel happiness radiating from the hands.

"She's going to let me hold her hand?" He asked excitedly.

"She might," Alice agreed, still spinning, "if you don't do this."

The vision of hands changed into that of their school, Edward holding Bella in the cafeteria as he tried to feed like her a child, blowing on the food to cool it before pushing a small golden spoon into her mouth and then delicately wiping her lips. The other teenaged children around them pointed and laughed, snickering at the way Edward was treating Isabella. Gently he picked her up to sit in a nearby chair before turning his fury to the onlookers, roaring like the monster he was and immediately killing the first closest twenty.

"That was awful," Edward whispered, horror struck at the thought of people making fun of him for caring.

"I know, right?" Alice agreed, finally slowing down her spinning. "I would suggest you don't try to feed Bella should you pursue this relationship. Not because of people making fun of you, but you were trying to feed her heated Braunschweiger."

"Now, wait just a minute," Carlisle intoned, stepping back into the conversation. "Alice, are you sure this is wise? Is Edward supposed to be courting a human?"

Feet slumping fully to the floor, Alice looked up at her father. "It's not like I see wedding bells or anything for those two. In the first vision they're just holding hands, but that could just be from the surprise fire drill we're having next month."

"Damn it, Alice! Why must you always crush my dreams?" Edward snarled, pushing past his two family members to go outside and think alone.

He ran through the trees, visions of feeding his delightful Swan rare foods he could have imported from overseas. Seafood was usually popular amongst the females but Edward thought of them as cliché. Perhaps he could try a different avenue and introduce his new found love to the foods of the unknown; Panda steaks, koala kabobs…although even pseudo-bear meat was mentioned as being grainy and chewy.

Giraffe! They were similar to bovines, perhaps he could entice her with some Gir-tar-tar, or filet lioné. If he thought about it long enough, Edward was sure he could recall someone overseas who specialized in Prime Tiger Rib. While visions of sugar pumas filled his head, he inexplicably found himself perched outside of the Swan's house. His dear, sweet Isabella was only a punch through the wall away.

As Edward stayed perched in a tree like a petrified owl, he dreamed of ways to make Isabella see him for who, and not what, he was. He mustn't move too quickly or simply approach the fair maiden Swan with his intentions. Despite having listened to the mental chatter of humans for so many years, he had only studied them as a whole and not as individuals. If he were to succeed, it would be wise to stay hidden, learn and then approach Isabella, unmistakably impressing her with his thoughtful and tender ways.

* * *

After the first day of school was finally over and Bella had fed her father blenderized pizza Hot Pockets –calling them Italian Surprise—she gratefully went upstairs to take a shower and then read before going to bed.

When Bella was sure the water had heated up enough for her to climb under the spray, she stripped off her clothes, stepped in and pulled the curtain closed. Reaching for her 99 cent strawberry shampoo special, she lathered quickly and clumsily, completely ignorant of a body slipping into the bathroom with her and trying to convince himself to just quickly "peek" around the shower curtain.

By the time the water turned off and Bella had stepped out of the shower, the room was empty again and leaving one clueless human to get dressed in peace and to self question why she thought someone had been watching her.

For the next twenty four hours Bella was haunted by the idea of _him_ watching her: the drive home, the hour she spent in the kitchen making dinner, when she took her shower that night and then several times during the night, when she woke up panting and confused, positive he was leaning over her inert form as she slept. When biology class arrived the next day, Bella was relieved to see there was no Edward Cullen.

She was, however, utterly speechless when another one of her fellow schoolmates cornered her in gym class.

"Is it true?" Carol, a slightly chubby girl asked Bella as she tried to struggle her way into a t-shirt.

"Is what true?" Bella mumbled when she realized she was trying to force her head through an arm slot. Rearranging the shirt slightly, she was relieved when she finally got it on and was able to see the girl speaking to her.

"I overheard Jessica explaining to Lauren why Edward Cullen has suddenly vanished. Did the prince have ties to the mob boss or did the guy decide he just wanted you?"

Bella inwardly huffed in annoyance. "Carol, there is no prince. I don't know what Jessica has been telling people-"

Carol's hands were suddenly grasping Bella's shoulders as the girl squealed in delight and started to jump up and down. "That is so cool! I mean, I figured a prince probably wouldn't have any interest in someone as white as you are, but a mafia leader? That totally makes sense."

"A what?" Bella croaked out, her body finally coming to a standstill as Carol released her shoulders and stopped jumping.

"I knew Jessica had it wrong," Carol clarified. "She said that your prince had hired the mob to take out Edward Cullen, but that was a lie wasn't it?" She asked before rushing on with her own interpretation.

"You're engaged to a Russian mafia leader whose primary source of income is trafficking sex slaves. He found out about Edward's stunt in Bio and swore instant death to anyone who dared to touch you. That's why you now live in Forks: Safe, secure, and away from any possible ogling princes' eyes. But he didn't think such a hottie like Edward would take an interest in you and now, poor Edward Cullen is lying dead at the bottom of a lake somewhere."

Bella couldn't even begin to think of a proper response and Carol decided that must mean she had guessed correctly.

"It's okay, Bella," Carol offered comfortingly as the bell rang, indicating the end of the school day. "I'll make sure all the girls tell any of the guys who think about wanting to date you that it's a really bad idea."

With another giggle and quick wave, Carol left the confused Bella. There was just no stopping these crazy teenagers of Forks.

* * *

Bella didn't think her life could get weirder and once again, life proved her wrong. After a few weeks, though, Edward returned to school and the feeling of being watched secretly at all hours of the day abruptly ended.

September flowed quickly into October and one morning Bella woke up to the after math of one of the worst ice storms of the century. Every where she looked outside was covered in a slim coating of icicles, the scenery glittering like a cartoon fairy tale.

"G'morning, Bells," her father greeted the reluctant teen as she walked in to the kitchen to grab a bowl of cereal.

"Char-Dad, what are you doing?" Bella asked as she watched him pour chocolate syrup in his mouth, take a swig out of the milk carton and then gargle.

"Conserving water," Charlie answered as he put the ingredients back in the fridge. "No point in using a glass that has to get washed when it's not necessary."

Dropping her eyes before she was caught staring in outrage, Bella mumbled something close to an inaudible agreement, resuming her own breakfast task at hand.

"I gotta get to the station. A resident skidded across the main road and took out a collection of mailboxes," Charlie announced as he went to retrieve his holster and car keys.

"Oh my gosh," Bella exclaimed in horror. "Was anyone hurt?"

"About five families, Bells. They're pissed as hell because now they don't have mailboxes and the earth is too frozen to install new poles." Checking the weight distribution of his weapons belt, he gave his daughter a cheerful smile. "Don't worry, though. I rigged up your beast with snow chains. You should be okay."

"Uhh, okay. Thanks?" Bella questioned as her father left her alone to battle trying to eat cereal without a bowl in the name of water conservation.

Garbed in her second outfit for the day, the first having lost the shredded wheat ambush, Bella pulled into school and jumped out of her truck to admire the chains her father had added for her safety. Sure, her truck already sounded like a tank under normal circumstances but with the new equipment on board, people located fifty miles away had probably heard her driving.

Bella's hearing was still ringing slightly and she failed to notice the students screaming at her to move out of the way. Her head hit the iced parking lot before the deafening crunch of metal on metal registered. For one brief minute, Bella thought an angel was holding her and whispering sweet nothings before blackness consumed her.

"Cheese and rice! Cheese and rice!" Edward swore in his chosen vocabulary as he held the passed out woman of his dreams.

There was no way to explain to others how he could have managed to clear 300 feet in two seconds to save his personal Madonna; the mother of Jesus, not the lewd singer, Madonna. Faculty members rushed from the office to help aid in the commotion and sirens were heard from the block over where the fire department was located.

Gently laying his beloved out on the ground, after having spread out his jacket for her to be more comfortable, Edward stood up to face the incoming people throwing questions at him right and left.

"I don't know," Edward blubbered like a baby as teachers began to question what had happened. "She was there and then *bam" the van came across and I…I…"

"It's okay, son," the Forks High coach tried to comfort. "Come on, the ambulance is here and they'll take care of her."

Well, no, that was far from okay to Edward. He needed to be by her side at all times, especially during this perilous occurrence.

"I..I..can't leave her, coach," he continued to wail, pretending to struggle in the man's grasp. "I need to make sure she's okay and that she'll live. Please! Please let me go."

Pretending to sob in distress, Edward could barely contain his glee when the coach insisted that he be placed in the ambulance with Bella.

_Works every time,_ Edward thought as the back of the van's doors slammed shut and someone rapped against them to indicate an okay to move.

At the hospital, Doctor Cullen was rather excited when he heard the news of two injured people being rushed in for treatment. Dispatch had already declared them as Forks High schools students and that meant it could be a real triage case. Unlike the weekly visit of Mrs. Morris, the town's only hypochondriac. Last time she was rushed in, she had insisted that she was dying due to the flesh eating virus spreading up her arms. The little bit of rubbing alcohol had removed the colors and showed that Mrs. Morris had only spilled oil paints on herself.

Two patients were rolled in moments later, both conscious and one trying in vain to unbuckle herself from the back brace she was strapped to.

"First victim, Isabella Swan. She was unconscious when we arrived, but became aware on the ride over here. Possible cranial hematoma," The EMT announced as Carlisle approached the moving gurney.

"And the other victim," Carlisle as ked he grabbed a penlight to flash in Isabella's eyes.

"Ow," Bella complained trying to move in her head away unsuccessfully.

"Second victim was the driver of the moving vehicle; lost control on the ice. Multiple facial lacerations from glass shrapnel, but no impact injuries."

"Send him to bay two. I'll attend to Miss Swan first," Carlisle directed as they entered a room and he closed the privacy curtain around the young lady.

Throughout his professional behavior, internally Carlisle was shocked! This was the young girl Edward had been obsessing over? She was so…average.

He worked quickly to make sure she wasn't showing physical symptoms of a serious injury and when finished had a technician take her for a head x-ray. He consulted for a few minutes on the other victim and realizing the boy would be fine with a few band-aids, left to go find his son who had he seen slinking about.

"Why are you here, Edward?" Carlisle asked, stripping the latex examination gloves from his hands before making notes on a chart.

"How could you ask me that, Father? She is my soul mate; I had to make sure she would be okay!" Edward exclaimed like a worried lover.

"Son, you are overly complicating your issue. You've already told the family to stay away from her. You refuse to pretend to act like a normal teenager and spend time with her. Instead you hide out in the bushes of her house, acting like a creeper."

"Our love is too pure to be classified as a teenage fling, Carlisle!" Edward hissed in disapproval.

"That may be so, Edward, but it certainly isn't pure enough not to be classified as a felony. I worry about you."

"Leave me alone, Carlisle, and do your job. Make sure her x-rays are perfectly clear before releasing her and insist that she take a few days off to rest."

Sighing heavily, Carlisle lowered his clip board. "Edward, she's fine. If she feels like it, certainly she can stay home, but I see no medical reason as to why she shouldn't be perfectly fine in the morning."

"Not for her," Edward explained as he fished out his cell phone. "For me. I'm trying to purchase a salting truck for future use and the company says I will have it by Friday at the latest."

Carlisle lost his grip of the clipboard, the plastic tray clattering loudly on the linoleum. "Have you lost your mind, Edward? Why on earth would you buy a salting truck?"

"Carlisle, I think my reasoning would be obvious. My sweet Swan would not have been in mortal peril if the roads around her had been properly treated. The community of Forks doesn't have the necessary funds to accommodate this and even if we were to gift the city with money, it wouldn't be used for this. Alice has seen it in a vision."

"Edward, you silly boy," Carlisle accused as he swooped low to retrieve his patient's file, "why on earth would you waste money like this? You're an experienced driver. Pick her up yourself and drive her to and from school."

"You just don't understand," Edward grumbled. "You and Esme have been together so long, you fail to see how relationships work nowadays. I cannot just inform her I'll be her personal chauffer."

"You haven't even talked to her, son. Your brothers and sisters tell me that you avoid her at school, refuse to talk to her and basically are just outright rude."

"I am not rude, Carlisle. Timing is everything, you know that. I must make sure everything is perfect before I formally introduce myself to ask if she would consider me as a caller. And I can't do that with icy roads threatening to kill her!"

As Edward walked down the hallway, he added as an afterthought, "And I won't be home tonight. Chief Swan sleeps like the dead and would never wake up in time to assist my delicate flower should she experience sudden pain or discomfort."

Carlisle tried desperately not to physically flinch as his 'son' sauntered away, humming the song 'Jeepers Creepers'. Making sure he had what he needed, the doctor hurried to finish filing the paperwork to send Isabella home. To do anything less would send Edward into a rage and Carlisle didn't think the rest of the family would ever forgive him were he to allow Edward's rage to take the form of a psychotic, salt truck driving vampire.

* * *

Despite her near hit with death, Bella tried to act like a normal teenager for Charlie's sake, even going so far as to agreeing to a shopping trip with Angela and Jessica to Port Angeles. Once in town, she claimed to have an urge to locate a nearby book store and asked the girls if she could meet up with them later at an agreed restaurant.

Slowly roaming the streets of Port Angeles and lost as much as Christopher Columbus had been, Bella thought about what was missing in her life. For some time she had thought someone was watching her. In the shower; late at night while sleeping; that single time she had tried to smoke a joint only to have a lone rain cloud burst from above and drench her to the skin. The idea that she was special enough for someone to watch her was enthralling and romantic to her teenaged mind. The feeling of irrationally being desired, however, had disappeared some time ago. Like so many of the plants Renee had carelessly left out in the scorching sun to shrivel and die, so, too, had Bella's self esteem.

Choosing a dark looking alley, she bemoaned the fact that she was attention deprived and needed the mysterious stalker to reappear and make her feel special and loved. Not once did she notice the gang bangers fast approaching her.

* * *

Edward belittled himself for waiting so long to engage in his semi-stalker behavior for the day. He was trying to cut back and give his dear, sweet, Isabella her space and only did the lookout thing during the daylight so it wasn't as perverted as Carlisle made it out to be.

Now, here in Port Angeles and he couldn't find her! His senses raged at the feeling of helplessness at not being able to scoop her up to cradle like an innocent babe. Grinding the Volvo's gears from third into forth –damn the clutch—he made a hazardous and illegal left hand turn to hurdle down a dark street in desperation for her whereabouts.

A beam of receding sunlight breeched the car's window and bathed Edward in a light of peacefulness just as he caught sight of her. There was a god and _he _didn't condemn Edward, showing him the true whereabouts of his soul mate.

Keenly aware of people's thoughts surrounding his near vicinity, Edward was all too aware of what the men approaching his goddess wanted to do with and to her. Grinding his precious Volvo's gears again, Edward made the car skid in an arc formation, cutting off the cretins fast approaching his beloved.

"Merciful haystacks, Bella! Get in the car," Edward bellowed as he leaned over to fling open the passenger side door.

Almost as if in a trance, Bella climbed in, too shocked to utter a single word or greeting as Edward revved Consumer's Report, Motor Trend's and Safecar .gov's safest vehicle into action, fishtailing unnecessarily away and back on to a main road.

"Bella, my lov-lima bean," Edward corrected, least he alarm the shocked beauty beside him. "Whatever were you thinking?"

The dark haired angel never responded, lost in the stages of shock as Edward sped once again to return her home to safety. By the time they pulled into the Swan's driveway, her teeth had stopped chattering and Bella had stopped blowing bubbles with her lips, glancing around blankly before her eyes settled on Edward.

"I'm sorry, Edward," Bella said politely, trying to open the car door via the air duct. "I'll remember to stay away again. I promise."

"Oh, my love," Edward sighed despondently as he jumped out to assist her to the door.

When he knew she was safely inside, he left, driving pompously back to the mansion he shared with his family, wondering if he could ever cease his stalking behavior of the young woman who deserved so much better than his net worth of 5.6 billion.

_Not tonight,_ he decided eleven minutes later as he beeped the security alarm of his precious Volvo before he Jesse Owen-ed his behind back to the Swan's household.

* * *

"Edward, my boy!" Carlisle exclaimed as he came home early one afternoon, surprised to see his 'son' in person, much less playing the piano.

Too late in his silent approach did Carlisle realize that his 'son' was alone for more reasons than one. Not only was Edward playing the piano, but he was also playing with his own personal air guitar. A euphemism Carlisle hoped he never had to witness again!

"I…I didn't mean to interrupt?" Carlisle stuttered as he tried to retreat from the music room.

'Wind Beneath My Wings' by Bette Midler came to a screeching halt.

"Carlisle!" Edward exclaimed in mortification. "I thought…I was caught up in the music and…"

"It's okay, Edward. Just…finish and then maybe we should talk in the office? You know where to find me, but please, we really do need to speak." Fleeing quickly, Carlisle raced upstairs, wishing to gather his thoughts privately even if it was just an illusion with Edward's mind reading ever present.

The mood was completely ruined as far as Edward was concerned. He couldn't finish something like _that _with his 'father' only a few feet away. He sat on the bench a few more minutes to collect his thoughts and make himself more presentable before approaching his father.

Knocking sharply against the thick oak structure, Edward waited for his father to acknowledge him before entering the home office, the heavy scents of aged parchment and well oiled woodwork. Carlise was seated behind his desk, a look of peace on his face while terms such as 'freak', 'mentally ill' and looney' danced through the doctor's mind.

"Won't you have a seat?" Carlisle asked, pointing elegantly to chair. He wasn't surprised when Edward ignored the offer, choosing instead to stand near one of the windows.

"Son, I don't want to make this awkward. As a man, you have needs and desires that need to be taken care. However-"

"Just stop, Carlisle. I have lived too many years and been to too many sex education classes to require your instruction on this topic."

"Son, I am very concerned about the activities you engage in, especially when you think you are alone. Not to say something like that should be performed publically, at least not by yourself, but-"

"Carlisle, just stop! And goodness, do not call me 'son' while we are speaking of…whatever you think you need to tell me but that I already know. It's just gross."

"Fine!" Carlisle all but growled back, tired of the formalities as well. "There is a serious problem here and not just what I caught you doing at your beloved piano a few minutes ago."

"Oh, come on!" Edward yelled, missing the look of anger on Carlisle's face. "I am not showing any favoritism to one artist over another. The song just slipped out by accident."

"Edward, please stop talking in euphemisms."

"What?"

"Nothing just 'slipped out'. You would have known exactly what you were feeling and the need to alleviate yourself in such a manner-"

"Carlisle, if you do not shut up, I am leaving and this conversation is finished," Edward exclaimed as he tried to leave the room. Carlisle beat him to the exit, halting the vampire's movement.

"Edward, fine, we won't talk about that but there is another issue at hand that we do need to discuss and in depth."

"Out of respect for you, I have not attempted to read your thoughts for the past three minutes, Carlisle. But if you do not get to the point, I am leaving."

"I think you're suffering from Clérambault-Kandinsky syndrome."

The haughtiness drained out of Edward as his father's words pierced him deeply.  
"How can you say that? How can you accuse me of having such a disorder?"

"Because of your behavior, Edward. Normal humans or even normal vampires don't spy on others for months."

"The Volturi do it all the time and I don't see you accusing them of sexuoerotic fixations!"

"The Volturi aren't spying on people in hopes of having a sexual relationship with them. They don't creep around for months at a time, watching others shower or change and they certainly don't perch outside of their houses nearly every night to watch people sleep!"

"You go too far, Carlisle. I merely check in on my Angel to ensure her safety and well-being. I've even cut back somewhat, although admittedly I do slip on occasion, but she has never caught me. At least, not that she remembers," Edward tacked on at the end, a small frown on his face.

"Edward, you need to either approach her or cease all encounters entirely. Frankly, you are driving all of us mad and your approach is insulting to this girl."

"You leave me alone, Carlisle. I don't tell you how to treat your patients and you have no right to tell me how to treat my scrumptious swan. I am being thorough in my pursuit and I most certainly do not suffer from some preposterous ailment. Now, if you will excuse me, I must attend to my virtuous Volvo. She's feeling a bit misplaced and I must assure her that she is still a masterpiece of machinery."

"Damn it!" Carlisle muttered to himself as Edward flounced away. "Not only am I going to have to treat a vampire who thinks a mortal loves him and is overly obsessed with her, but I'm also going to have to treat him for vehicular attachment disorder…if such a thing even exists!" Throwing his hands up in a gesture of defeat, Carlisle went over to his bookshelves in search of his latest copy of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

* * *

More weeks passed and Edward Cullen was weird as far as Bella was concerned. He watched her all of the time, sometimes smirking, sometimes frowning, or glaring, but his eyes…they never matched the movements to his lips. It was like watching a robotic pathological liar. But when she was around him, that eerie sense of her missing stalker returned and oddly, soothed Bella. She waited a few weeks to make sure, that her probable stalker had in fact been secretly watching her and then stopped.

Bella decided a direct approach was best. Through her crazy planning, it was a complete surprise when she threw books in her locker and a note fluttered to the floor. She looked up and down the hallway to see if anyone was watching her as she bent over, hit her head on the locker door and then picked up the plain, white lined, notebook paper.

_Dear Isabella,_

_My name is Alice Cullen and I'd like you to come over to my house after school today so we can get to know each other. Please meet me outside, by your truck and we'll talk._

_-Alice Cullen_

Alice wasn't the person Bella wanted to talk to, but this was the opportunity she needed. With the invitation in hand, Bella followed Alice to her house that afternoon, gasping in surprise when the thick, forest lined road suddenly opened up to reveal an impressive estate. Quickly she got out of her truck, waiting to see if Alice would appear from the garage she had driven into. After five minutes and no one appeared, Bella made her way to the massive entrance, the front door mysteriously opening before she could even knock.

"Hello?" Bella asked, stepping into the massive foyer. The front door made on ominous clicking sound, Bella twirling around to see who was there.

"Uhh, hi, Japer, is it?" She asked. "I, umm, followed Alice here. She invited me."

The weirdo, Jasper, stared at her with a blank expression before twisting his head to the side whispering, "Is the enemy of thy enemy, thy friend? Or thy enemy?"

Looking around, Bella wasn't sure who he was talking to. Seeing as no one else appeared to be around, she spoke. "Umm, sorry?"

"Power is my mistress," he snarled, fast advancing on Bella as she tried to back away in surprise. "I have worked too hard at her conquest to allow anyone to take her away from me."

"Right," Bella agreed, wishing Alice would show up and that Jasper would take a few steps away from her.

"Darling, are you terrifying our guest?" Esme inquired as Jasper sprang away.

A hand set gently down on Bella's shoulder, making her spin again, the hand being the only thing to keep her upright.

"Careful there. These floors can be quite slippery. Are you okay? You must be Bella. The children have told me so much about you."

Esme had actually heard five very different versions and opinions of the young Bella Swan, each of her children –with the exception of Alice and Edward- pleading for Esme to make sure she never showed up here.

"Yes, I'm Bella." Holding out her hand in greeting, Bella could only stare at the beautiful mother of the Cullen children.

"I'm so very pleased to meet you, Bella. Please, come in and have a seat in the parlor. Edward is expecting you." Leading Bella way from the glaring Jasper, Esme steered her down a long hallway and into an ornately decorated room.

"You will have to excuse Jasper," Esme said warmly as her guest tried to situate herself on the divan, "he sometimes gets overwhelmed in his role playing."

At the sound of a gentle throat clearing, Esme looked up to see a smiling Edward.

"I'll just leave you two." With a graceful glide Esme disappeared back down the hallway, leaving Edward and the meaning of his life –Isabella Swan- alone.

"Thank you for agreeing to visit," Edward said cautiously, afraid that any sudden move he made would scare away his delicate beauty.

Moving further into the room, he approached the couch Bella was seated on, thinking better of it and heading towards the large pane of windows located just past.

Taking a deep breath, Bella had to mentally remind herself why she was here and stood up, ready to confront her stalker face on.

"Why did you stop watching me?" She asked Edward, slightly confused when he turned away as she walked up to him.

"What? No, I haven't been watching you," he answered over his shoulder. "What a silly idea, Isabella."

"Bella," she corrected him. "I prefer to be called Bella."

Edward caught his own hand before he could slap himself across his forehead. Of course she did! How could he have forgotten such an intimate and quaint term of endearment that the love of his life wished to be referred as?

The awkward silence between the two grew. Current events from the recent past said otherwise, that Edward was most definitely her stalker and Bella decided to question him fully. "That wasn't you who rescued me from being crushed by Tyler's van?"

"Nonsense," he huffed in indignation. "I was in the quad with my brothers and sisters and only turned to look when the screech of tires filled the air. I never touched you."

Bella's eyebrows puckered in thought. She could have sworn it had been him, but she had smacked her head pretty hard on the ground. He might be telling the truth about then, but the incident in Port Angeles…

"That wasn't you who yanked me into your car….your very shiny, expensive, only-one-of-its-kind-in-this-town car when those strange men tried to hurt me?" Bella demanded. She knew good and well it had been Edward, considering he had taken her home forty plus miles away. True he hadn't said a word and she had been too shocked to say anything either, but still.

"I happened to be nearby and a good thing, too," Edward answered, finally turning around to stare at his accuser. His face instantly went soft as he studied her curious expression. He felt it was best not to mention that after he had dropped her off, he had gone back to take care of those…those…human monsters!

It hadn't all been bad, though, and Edward hid his delight. He hadn't minded in the slightest that she had required his worldly knowledge of treating teenage shock. The drooling, the bubble blowing, even the hellish nightmares he had rocked her through as she screamed, yelled, fought and eventually urinated on herself. Through all of it, Edward had kept a full smile in knowing that only he could help her through such an adorable occurrence.

Bella still thought he was acting weird and completely missed his confession from saving her in Port Angeles.

"And last month," she asked, "when I woke up and you were staring at me in my room? That wasn't you, also?"

This time, Edward wasn't able to hide his flinch. It had been the last night he had gone to watch his sleeping beauty rest and the memories tore at him, knowing he had not been able to succumb his desperation at seeing her like that. He also blamed the neediness on Carlisle. If the man hadn't insisted the relationship was flawed and not love in the making, he never would have been caught.

"You have a very vivid imagination, Bella," he remarked tenderly instead, clenching his fist when he caught the subtle movement of wanting to stroke her head like a cute animal. "Did you ever think about writing books or movies?"

"Yeah, I did," Bella laughed quietly, forgetting that she still needed answers. "I even wrote a few stories, but they all ended unbelievingly."

"You did?" Edward asked in complete surprise. "I never found them."

And boy had he searched through Bella Swan's room multiple times. He knew she favored dark colored clothing, didn't own any type of sexy panties, only wore 100% cotton socks and held such an eclectic taste in books and music, Edward had to wonder if some of them weren't her dad's? What teenage girl listened to Conway Twitty or read books about the migration patterns of fish?

"Excuse me?" Bella asked, upset that she had clearly misheard him.

"Never mind," Edward said hastily, flashing his _dazzlement_ at Bella. "Tell me what they were about."

Oh gosh, his eyes! Bella thought dreamily as she stared in to the rich ocher colored irises, reminiscent of the time Renee had caught the stove on fire and the fruit stand next to it burst into flames, igniting a bunch of bananas and the fruit turning the same wonderful color as Edward's eyes were. Until they crispified.

"Oh, the usual," Bella answered, imagining flaming bananas as she stared deeply into his eyes. "Human girl finds herself immersed in a world she never knew existed and then falls in love with the bad guy." Laughing out loud to herself Bella couldn't help but share. "I even wrote this scene where an army of the monsters are all lined up ready to battle to the death and then they somehow peacefully talk their way out of it."

"Battle?" Jasper asked, popping out of nowhere. "What kind of battles? I've studied the works of all the best tacticians: Sun Tzu, Ghengis Khan, Alexander the Great…"

"Go away, Jasper," Edward demanded, watching the rise of bloodlust fill his brother's mind.

"…Hannibal, Napoleon Bonaparte, Julius Caeser…"

"ALICE!" Edward yelled, pinching the bridge of his nose while waiting for his psychotic, sometimes psychic, psychedelic sister to come twirling out. He wanted to stamp his foot. Jasper never listened to him. Never!

"Yes, Edward," she answered demurely, rising up from behind one of the settees. "Oh, hello, Bella, and, Jasper!" Moving her head slowly she blinked a couple of times towards an empty corner. "I had no idea, General Lee. I will try to meditate on it immediately."

"Alice," Edward gritted out. "Could you please escort your spouse out of here before he traumatizes my Isabella?"

"Come along, Jasper," Alice insisted as she vaulted over the chair to land perfectly beside Jasper. "We must make plans for the war I see approaching."

Immediately Jasper had eyes only for Alice. "War? How many troops are to be involved? What are their weaknesses? Do we have time to call in our own men? Damn them, insisting on liberty at a time like this."

As the two uninvited guests left, Edward turned his full attention back to his dazzling dear.

"So what happened?"

"About what?" Edward asked nervously, hoping his sweet Bella wouldn't demand to know what was currently occurring between Alice and Jasper. Certainly the two realized one could not freeze dry live animals to be eaten at later dates like some type of military MRE.

"Why have you stopped stalking me?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Edward replied haughtily before his demeanor dropped. "You noticed the stalking?"

"Sort of. I noticed more when you stopped stalking, though. I have a heavy heart when I change or take a shower now because I know you aren't lurking around to possibly catch me."

"I…I never meant to hurt you! My family said it was wrong to shadow your every movement, that it was an unhealthy and unwelcomed obsession."

"Well, yeah. But it didn't bother me as much as it did when you stopped. I thought I was once again unworthy and that there was nothing special about me."

"Oh, my Love," Edward gushed and rushed forward to hold her tightly against him.

"Holy Crow!" Bella yelled as soon as Edward had touched her skin, an odd shocking jolt encompassing the area.

Edward didn't immediately pull back, relishing in the tingling he received from caressing his desert rose.

"Did I harm you?" he finally asked, relinquishing his hold from Bella. Upon which she abruptly sat down on the nearest available cushion.

The stars in Edward's eyes could have blinded an astronaut.

"Umm…yeah, a little," Bella confessed as she rubbed at her arms, scooting away when Edward sat next to her. "Did you slide your feet across the floor for an hour or something? I've never felt static electricity carry on for so long."

Before he could speak, explaining the unusual tingling as a sign from the heavens above that they were meant to be, Alice came fluttering by again. This time sans the war nut and dropped a crow bar into Edward's lap, her movements resembling a Jane Fonda workout as she stretched and pumped in front of the startled vampire.

"Aaalice?" Edward stuttered hesitantly as he watched her body tell a story, her mind blank except for a visual of her sometime hero, Richard Simmons.

"Lassie must not come home," Alice whispered before disappearing as fast as she had appeared, her voice continuing to echo, "Use the tool, fool, and snap the zap."

"Uhh, maybe I should just go," Bella mumbled, beginning to rise from her seat. Jessica had been correct. Alice needed a lot more Adderall; probably lithium and thorazine as well!

Grabbing the crow bar, Edward was surprised to watch the amount of electric static flow from his hands before he tossed the device aside to once again grab the love of…the secondary love of his life.

_God bless the Swedes and their Volvo company._

"No, please, parting shall not be a sweet sorrow if you but go," he ad-libed in desperation, thoughts of his beloved car drifting into a mist.

Bella wasn't as easily pacified. Sure, she thought Edward Cullen was hot and if he was stalking her, bonus points for him! But his family…

"Look, Edward," Bella began to explain, unsure if maybe she was just as crazy as the rest of them. "I thought I might have misread the signs or something, but I think I was I wrong. Please. I'm sorry to have disturbed you."

Bella never had a chance to escape as Edward embraced her from behind, swinging her in sock hop move over his shoulder and in between his legs until she came to rest in a strong hug.

"Never think that," Edward passionately shouted, trying to withhold the spittle. "You are very special and important. I love thee more than I can articulate and have been blessed by the gods to earn your unyielding attention."

"Um, okay…" Bella stuttered, wiping away the wetness suddenly on her face. She hadn't meant that she wanted him to make a big deal about it. He just needed to go back to the secret stalking.

_That was hot!_

* * *

A/N: There is a part two to this tale. It's not finished yet. If you like what was here, please review.

Kudos to my beta, ShadowPast620 who left me this delightful comment at the end of her corrections: _I'm not entirely sure what is wrong with you. I do hope they never find a cure. Now I just need to find a restaurant that serves Bananas Foster._


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